sometimes it's all about me...
10.30.2003
 
my day was so boreing.
no woman no cry - bob marley
wow, see, this is my life. and how boreing it is.

i cut art and sat in the library
i went to wellness and sat on the bleachers until the shman forced me to play and then i just sat on the court
i had math. and sat there for a while. until i got up and left
then i sat on my ass during a couple of frees
i had bio and sat on the icky chairs and fell asleep because it was dark and cozy in there
i had spanish and i sat in my SNAZZY new chair in front of ryah and next to jill
i had english and discovered i have a project to do with john mooney (silence ray, i refuse to be a 'mooney twin') and fernando. the sad thing was that i had to move to sit with john and fernando. and then i saw zach peering at me and he's all 'helloooo!' and saying 'solid'. i nearly smacked him.

i had to stop sitting to go talk to JOHN and FERNANDO. honestly, what the fuck is up with that?

erlack. this calls for sudden death.
- posted by Heather @ 5:30 PM
10.29.2003
 
i'm. a. house. of. doom.
music - cigarettes and chocolate by rufus wainwright
i'm writing. like. this to piss. you. off.
i could be at the a static lullaby concert right now!! but NO because my mom sucks.
aaaah that really makes me angry inside!!
anyway i thought today just might be fun. i looked over my shoulder and i saw a rainbow for the third time in my life. i thought 'wow! now i just might have some good luck!'. but that, of course, is when i crashed into a pole and then i started to cry, because that's deffinetly not good luck. that's terrorism.
- posted by Heather @ 8:32 PM
10.26.2003
 
oooh! i've got a vagina! now i'm VERY cross!
music - knife party by the deftones
i look at girls today and it's very interesting. not in a sexual way, of course but just in how they are. the majority are giggling ditzes in their tight jeans and high shoes, boobs shown in every possible direction, hair done up "just right", straightened and restraighted trying to fix that one stray hair, thin and strawlike, the matching blonde of all the once redheads and brunettes shimmer with artificial shine. i notice how well their outfits match, how they cling onto the men in their lives who are probably the men in a million others lives and hearts, and they look into his eyes thinking everything will be bliss and perfect. they think they could never love another. then again, that's what they thought last time. they lean provacitivly over tables, twirling their hair and half closing their eyes and their lips reflect the light. their make up is so thick and cakey, splotchy almost, creating a false image of beauty that is never there. i look at them and snort with disgust, they are so thin they look breakable. they squeak highly whenever anything happens, their hair which always seems to stay brushed feathers around their faces.
then i look at myself and wonder

is that how i lost my innocence too?

my tight jeans and low shirts, my make up, me hooking up with guys whos last name is still just an echo barely heard over the shouts, music, and excessive bass from the night before. my giggles and perfume. my secrets and my bitchyness which i have come to dispise about myself.
i don't know why or how i changed.

or how i could be such a hyprocrite.

it's an image we are trying so hard to create and keep. we do it at ge 20, 50, and on. we want to be beautiful. we want to save face. i've been referred to as 'cute' 'hot' 'sexy' 'pretty'...but never beautiful. only once when an old man on the street walked passed me and said "keep your youth, for you are beautiful." i've been called 'ugly' or 'gross' 3 times and i remember each person, each facial expression, where i was, and i tried so hard to fix it. even if i hated them. but when people call me 'cute' etc, i don't believe them. i don't think they're sincere. and then i try to fix myself anyway. i really wish i didn't care anymore.
- posted by Heather @ 9:24 PM
 
korin just had a froydean slip! *teehee*
music - the shooting star that killed us by a static lullaby
suicide x trend (6:21:51 PM): But I like anal.
- posted by Heather @ 6:23 PM
10.25.2003
 
emily is so snazzy
music - the beautiful people by marilyn manson
L scorcha (11:48:55 PM): haha i know you're a freak but you're one of those cool freaks
L scorcha (11:49:33 PM): like the ones that people look at in mental institutions and say "wow i wonder what she was like when she was sane..."
- posted by Heather @ 10:38 PM
10.19.2003
 
you gotta fight *bamp* for your right...to partay! ow!
music - my december by linkin park (i know, crappy, but i'm tired and lonely)
last night was pretty fun, lucas had his 15th birthday party which was really nice. we started out at his house and watched "goldmember" and you know the scene when mini me charges scott to get his chocolate back? i was like "look it's heather!" haha i felt like a comic genious at that point and time. we played 'lazer (ick) tag' lol and i lost. really badly. but it was fun all the same, filled with mirrors and black lights and bad music. ewic, awex, rebecca, pam, cobby, korin, jodi (i think that was his name? =/), me, and of course, lucas. we all had really good code names lol. ewic was soildsnake (haha, i repremanded him on that one =p) awex was unnamed, rebecca was furiousangel, pam was latinababe, cobby was cobnacious, korin was darkermylove (or drmylove as was what was typed in lol) jodi was blackknight, lucas was spike and came in 3rd place twice! wooohooo go lucas! and i was..c'mon guess...i'll give you some room to guess.




BLONDEFURY haha yea kim! i came in 29th place and 21st. oops. anywho we almost got kicked out of 'lazer quest' for swearing at the munchkins. honestly, it's not our fault! they traveled in packs and i almost tripped over one because they are MIDGETS! at one point pam, awex and i conered one and kept shooting at it lol. it's name was HilaryDuff so it deserved it. haha then we ate cake and opened presents...lol my card was so sexy it's not even funny lol even lucas's dad liked it =D. i think lucas must have about $100 worth of newbury comics gift cards. then i got a glow stick and then everyone else did (teehee, i'm trendy!) and we frolicked and romped around outside until we had to leave.
but that was so much fun you guy "posse" forever lol =D
- posted by Heather @ 11:21 AM
10.15.2003
 
love
music - hurt by nine inch nails
love. love is like dying. it can be good and bad. shocking and slow.
it's filled with regrets and joys, shards of thoughts from another time. dying is full of weak memories, watered down from ages of trying to remember, re-working and wondering what could have been done differently. thoughts worn and torn in places from being thought over and over
again.
adding things here and there, trying to erase the worst completely.
when you die all you feel is regrets and maybe some exultation for leaving. when you fall in love all you expect is regrets and the joy ride that comes in between. it comes swiftly and deaf to cries of ones wanting to say what they never said. or it comes slowly and you can do nothing but wait and hope for something to happen in between. procrastinating, trying to live a so called normal life, not wanting to do anything unusual which you should do. make up for all the time you've wasted. and you wish it would end faster. because you KNOW you are wasting time.
in some respects that is exactly like love. it won't wait for you to find your old romances...either catch it while it's here or miss it completely and then all you'll have it the hope to hitch a ride to make up for the one you miss. it doesn't listen or care.
but when you realize exactly what's happening it's too late. you've buried yourself 6 feet under.
and you just don't care anymore.

love is dying
- posted by Heather @ 8:23 PM
10.08.2003
 
yeah, uh
music - timebomb generation by anti-flag
today kinda sucked. but fuck that because i was wearing the super cool underware cobby gave me.
werd.
mad ghetto.
haha. anywho, about my entry about the world dying and the like (october 2nd) i DID write that, i did not steal it from a song or a book. i know, it's just that good, right? lol justtt kidding.
the sad thing was is that it was inspired by grant. whom i hate. read it and you'll see why.
anywho...not much else to say but yeah
- posted by Heather @ 7:12 PM
10.06.2003
 
ethan! omg yay!
music - anything fugees, marving gaye or mr bigg

so i go "yeah, i'm just a sex goddess right?"
and then fucking over acheiever ethan comes in and goes
partyllama (9:08:45 PM): more than that, sex machine, goddess, queen, dictator, ultimate ruler, and just overall best

LOL ethan is a dork but i love him to pieces anyway=) (just add messiah and i'll be happy lol)
- posted by Heather @ 9:16 PM
10.05.2003
 
and here's a little diddy that goes somethin like this...
music - tomorrow by SC-71

sticks and stones may break my bones
but whips and chains excite me
so tie me up
and hold me down and show me that you like me ;)

hahaha rebecca and ethan and everyone else b.c.w.s. 2003!
- posted by Heather @ 7:30 PM
10.02.2003
 
too lazy to write a title.
music - city of angels by the red hot chilli peppers
you can't turn away from the invitable. you can't deny it and you can't refuse it. open your body and soul and let it happen. suck up the shit and let it go by.
when the world ends it's gonna be silent. the once steady heart beat of the earth that seemed so big and strong will shiver with fear, sucking in dying breaths. the core will turn solid and the trees, knowing, always knowing, their fate will sigh their last breath. water will evaporate into nothing. the stars will turn their fiery backs and the sun will shut its eyes. the silence of thousands of screaming memories will break rock into splinters. the world will be solid and silent, sleeping in its own gravestone.
but until then i'm surronded by familiar faces. i think i recognize one. this one is different, or is it the same. they are all one being. hating, seething with rage. their eyes all become one set, the lips mold together to shape the hateful words dripping from their lips. i close my eyes. your words mean everything and they burn into my soul. and somehow you are
just
you.
didn't i hate you yesterday?
my heart beat reminds me that i'm alive and i remember my life. away from here. coming back like a dream, clear at first then dropping through my fingers like fine grains of sand. your voice melts away but the memories linger in the air. your anger humming gently into nothing.
i look up and remember what we wrote two weeks ago. hearts and initials. that's when the pen could seal the future. written and it was done. tomorrow my name will be forgotten but the marks will stay. set in stone, like everything was back when i was innocent.
to be blunt, when i was ignorant.
you've left me here in the gutter to die and
i'm still building your utopia.
- posted by Heather @ 9:29 PM

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