sometimes it's all about me...

2003-12-13T12:04:00.000-05:00

please don't kill me
music - ever deeper by nine inch nails
new site.

2003-12-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

sara rocks my socks!
music - somewhat damaged by nine inch nails
reds0xangel (7:47:08 PM): your the shit
reds0xangel (7:47:11 PM): i love you girl

2003-12-08T21:19:00.001-05:00

listen.
music - anything by tracy chapman
with the radio playin' soft and emotions runnin' high he held me like a real man on that snowy winter night, all the times in the past that you burned me and stole pieces of me that were not yours to take...vanished...i knew it was going to be alright...
-tracy chapman

2003-12-06T22:11:00.000-05:00

newest christmas list
music - the ocean by led zepplin
because i know you all love me oh, so very much.
some people have already called things, so yeah. questions talk to them.
1 - tacky underware! i will NEVER say no to that! -talia/cobby
2 - a new, larger bed. pweese? -parents
3 - lillian's a + e jeans -grandparents
4 - a really cute shirt
5 - cell phone! aargh! i can't go on much longer! -parents
6 - dove shampoo (extra volume) and conditioner (intense moisture) and caress body wash in shimmering dreams (tee hee!) -joey
7 - warm vanilla sugar body spritz (body shop trip anyone?) -dad
8 - pac sun gift card! i fucking LOVE those pants -grandparents
9 - money - grandparents
10 - chocolate. the fast way to my heart. lol
11 - you! =D
12 - this! it's so pretty. i love it so much
13 - help painting my room -talia and parents
14 - led zepplin and bob marley poster. (click search and type in the name of each one. for zepplin i want the 1st one listed, and for bob i want page 8, black and white him leaning on his guitar) -andy
15 - black chucks! size 9! -lillian

2003-12-06T16:39:00.000-05:00

oh man
music - masspike by the get up kids
I'M SO SORRY - ariel, john, shelly, laura, the guy sitting in the corner. i think his name was dan, the nice man in the hospital, brian, cobby, both my parents and cobby's, the people who's lawn i was on.
anyone who saw me.
i'm so sorry.

i would do anything to take it back.
sorry sorry sorry.

i love you all
i'm just fucked up.

2003-12-06T15:20:00.000-05:00

would i ever
music - get up stand up by bob marley
1. Eat a bug? sure
2. Bungee jump? hell yeah
3. Hang glide? yes
4. Kill someone? hahaha oh yeah
5. Have sex with someone you don't love? mhm
6. Kiss someone of the same sex? been there
7. Have sex with someone of the same sex? ...have NOT been there lol
8. Parachute from a plane? sure
9. Walk on hot coals? ow?
10. Go out with someone for their looks? probably not
11. For their reputation? what kind of reputation?
12. Be a vegetarian? hahaha! no!
13. Wear plaid with stripes? how much would you pay me and how drunk would i be?
14. IM a stranger? why not
15. Sing karaoke? yeah. crazy in love is my song
16. Get drunk off your ass? hahaha, got arrested last time. but again! again! lol
17. Shoplift? i've done it.
18. Run a red light? am i late?
19. Star in a porn video? hahaha! woot! what kind? where do i sign up? lol
20. Dye your hair blue? yes!
21. Be on Survivor? yes!
22. Wear makeup in public? yeah...
23. NOT wear makeup in public? i normally do
24. Cheat on a test? yepp.
25. Make someone cry? i've made a lot of people cry
26. Call your math teacher a motherfucker? not my math...but my BIO teacher on the other hand...
27. Kick a baby? haha, bitch i eat babies. lol jk
28. Date someone more than ten years older than you? i kinda did once. but not really.
29. Cuss out a priest? probably
30. Take a job as a janitor? how long would i have to keep it
31. Stay up all through the night? done that. i like it. sun rises are so pretty,

2003-12-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

wasn't that fun? NOW waste your time by killing EVERYONE!
music - buried myself alive by the used
ah. horrible day. art was cancelled so lillian and i went to the cafeteria to see john. morabito that is. then 'i'm pissed because i'm short and have a small penis' shows up. being the bastard he is, he tells lillian and i to go away. and john says "no, heather stay." and then 'i'm pissed because i'm short and have a small penis' says "now why do we want heather here?" and john says "'cause she's cool." and i said "oooh [i'm pissed because i'm short and have a small penis] that was collld." and then i asked him what was wrong, and he's like "nothing! shut the fuck up go the fuck away!" i hope he finds the midol i left in his bag. =D. man. i can't believe i liked that kid. but i can believe i hooked up with him. so hot =). despite the small penis. anyway, he should get over it, he hasn't talked to me for a while, so what does he expect? me NOT to hook up with his friends...? he didn't seem to mind last week in detention. teehee. i failed my spanish test, and lillian and i said FUCK YOU to everyone and hit eachother to get out our excess anger. went to history, again lillian and i have avoided doing our project and it was due, what, mid october? i gave lillian a piggy back ride and got kicked out of the library and then the cafeteria for sitting on the tables. went to math. slept. went to english. almost killed john mooney, he was fucking giggling in the back of the room, and zach croy. oh shit, i wanna pluck his eyebrows so badly. they're calling me..."pluck me! please pluck me! i'm overgrown! soon i won't be able to see! *looks confused*" i'm seeing john tomorrow, with lillian and if we can convince 'i'm pissed because i'm short and have a small penis' to come we will. cobby and jo and maybe talia or max on thursday, cobby and brian sleeping over on friday, visiting korin with cobby on saturday, and movies with nyssa, cobby, and some of alex's friends on saturday night.
maybe this week will end better then it began.

2003-12-01T18:03:00.000-05:00

snow!
music - paper thin walls by modest mouse
on the bright side, it SNOWED today! on the 1st of december! woo! i was with cobby and joey and it was lovely. john granted my wish for snow! i've got to give him a hug tomorrow.
i love winter. =D

2003-12-01T17:14:00.000-05:00

frustration
music - all along the watchtower by jimi hendrix
frustration is a very interesting emotion which tends to bring out the worst in people. if you are a small child, you bring out the worst in yourself by throwing food at the wall and forcing a mess on your poor care takers. if you are a frustrated citizen, you just might create a frustrated mob to go behead the king and begin a democracy. if you are a frustrated moth, you bang yourself against lights, frightening innocent people and make everything incredibly dusty. if you are frustrated like me because korin is in the hospital, people think i stepped on the good foot and did the bad thing with (ewy) jake, and cobby is sad because of korin, then you punch your fucking wall and put a hole in it.
oops.

2003-11-30T10:35:00.000-05:00

good times
music - ever deeper by nine inch nails
you know how after a funny moment or a good movie, people always say "good times, good times"? well, i've decided to make a list of all the "good times" i've had. listed in the choppy memories i have. perhaps you're part of it.
1 - brian's house. skinny dipping at 1 in the morning, max freestyling, sitting on rocks looking at the moon, led zepplin, brian's room, chinese food at 3:30 am, lola and gizmo, lowell folk festival, summer.
2 - maine this summer. sunrise, sunsets, stars, sleeping on peoples private beaches, paddle boats.
3 - rudi. ageless hobo, wise words, loveing, poet who can't read.
4 - john's basement. the itialian job, the red chair, ryan, ariel, cobby, lillian, everyone cool in one room, jolly ranchers, anti-grape, vodka, the heater.
5 - ariel's room. red, cats, dark rooms.
6 - andy's lawn. all i can say is thank you, sitting wet grass, looking at dead trees and purple skies.
7 - visiting CFS. gaycorns forever, torching the school, trips to the spa, pranks, recess and cubbies in 8th grade, sex talks during lunch, the smell of mold, silent meeting.
8 - porter. with jo, max, cobby, and talia, anna's, burlington coat factory, "this is not a house of god", butterflies.
9 - saturday night. going to john's and then john wilsons, fritz and tom, having john wilson pretend he was andy's sister, driving top speed to andy's house, slamming on the breaks, blowing kisses, vaguely tipsy, not getting in tooo much shit with my mom.
10 - talking with jo. comferting, trips to harvard square, grave yard visits, book disscussions, trustworthy, best friends.
11 - sleepovers with talia. up all night, good movies, root beer, sleeping late, lollipops, anna's at 11 at night, "chillaxin'" haha, roberta and janet, fooling taoe, dancing, JACKSON! OW!, best friends.

best times of my life.

2003-11-28T17:22:00.000-05:00

amanda! woo!
music - greetings and goodbyes by AFI
wdvk (7:28:36 PM): well i love ur hair, u have a really cute personality and ur have nice eyes and a great smile and i love ur voice
blondefury3 (7:30:33 PM): thanks you just made me feel a shit load better
wdvk (7:30:42 PM): :-)
blondefury3 (7:30:43): thanks i love you so much! i feel so much better!
wdvk (7:30:46 PM): good u should
wdvk (7:30:53 PM): ur awesome i miss you so much!!!!!

2003-11-28T17:20:00.000-05:00

guys to avoid like (they have) the plague:
music - the wall by pink floyd
- muscians (drummers are ok 'cause they have no ego left after being the butt of everyone's jokes for so many years.)
- guys who are shorter/thinner then you (it's very hard to avoid being about 5 foot 7 inches, believe me.)
- guys with flashy cars, or an obbsession with flashy cars (they spend a LOT more time with the car/gazing at it then you.)
- all of my ex boyfriends (i can give you their names if you'd like!)
- guys in debt. (i'm broke enough as is.)
- guys recently released from prison (you'd think this one'd be easy but surprisingly it is not when you live down the road from several half-way house's and you all share a bus stop.)
- married guys/dating guys. (duh.)
- guys you work with/have a lot of classes with. (the awkwardness that's bound to ensue when you break it off it terrible.)
- guys with mentel issues. (i'm not discriminating against anyone, it's just that two in a relasionship is too many!)
- guys with self-loathing issues buried beneath a thick layer of bravado (oh hang on, that fits into the 'my ex-boyfriends' category too.)
- guys who don't read. (actually avoid anyone who doesn't read. not as in dyslexia but genuinely avoiding reading...there's something not quite right about that...)

2003-11-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

invisible people
music - fine again by seether
rudi is a homeless man who takes my buses and trains who writes and sells poetry. he shows up everywhere. waltham, belmont, harvard square, cambridge. once, while seated in front of me on a bus on my way home, he turned around and whispered conspiratorally "i'm a spy. a RUSSIAN spy. but you don't have to worry, i'm a double agent." then, with effort, he winked at me with the eye that always faces to the left and got off at the next stop. another time i approached him and said quietly "my thoughts meander like restless wind inside a letter box." and he grinned toothily and slunk away into shadows.
i haven't seen him since.

2003-11-27T21:23:00.000-05:00

a little thought about my good day
music - don't know why by norah jones
a hand on my back. someone touched my side.
"oh, excuse me. hmm?"
a big smile directed to nobody that was standing behind me. my guardian angel must have started to doze and i guess i bumped into him as he blinked. that means i'm doing good. i must be doing fine-so fine today that my angels are bored. all i know is that my day can't go wrong if i stay on the same path i had started on this morning...

2003-11-26T23:01:00.000-05:00

ryah babies! let's play ponies! *jumps on back*
music - stairway to heaven by led zepplin
picklemonster (10:57:35 PM): oh man i was watching home videos of me when iw as a baby i was such a freak
picklemonster (10:57:48 PM): i ate rocks and cat food and my favorite activity was opening and closing doors
picklemonster (10:58:03 PM): and i puked alllll over the place

2003-11-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

ze james!
music - anything by the hellpigs
Devilman (10:17:05 PM): maybe its your natural coolness, or insane beauty

haha, i do love you james. lol =D

2003-11-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

please
music - slit wrist theory by 36 crazyfists
please don't be mad at me because i have other places to go on occasion other then your house. please don't be upset because i don't invite myself places and didn't think you'd care otherwise. please don't hate me because i 'ditched' you. i didn't mean to, i just didn't think you'd care. you didn't seem to notice, you and her had walked away. i had made these plans...like last week. i'm sorry if you consider that leaving you.
honestly. i didn't mean to.
it's not like you haven't done anything to hurt me, either.

2003-11-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

it's true
music - hands down by dashboard confessional
helloelise (10:43:54 PM): HEATHER YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
heatheramble (10:44:04 PM): ...what?
heatheramble (10:44:05 PM): lol
helloelise (10:44:09 PM): i think its true
helloelise (10:44:15 PM): i really needed to tell you!
helloelise (10:44:16 PM): so i did
heatheramble (10:46:28 PM): where did that come from?
helloelise (10:46:38 PM): i had an epiphany tonight
helloelise (10:46:43 PM): i realized how beautiful everyone is
helloelise (10:46:46 PM): and everything
helloelise (10:46:46 PM): and
helloelise (10:46:50 PM): i have never been so happy
helloelise (10:46:53 PM): so i felt the need
helloelise (10:46:55 PM): to tell everyone
helloelise (10:46:58 PM): exactly how i feel about them
helloelise (10:47:03 PM): because we only have so much time

2003-11-14T22:43:00.000-05:00

i only want perfection.
music - the winters sky by the dead finks
i feel so worthless.
i'm not enough for anyone. i wish i was everything they wanted me to be. i wish i could satisfy them, bring them the perfection they want, bring them all they crave. make them need me as much as i need them. i guess i might. until they learn things. memories brought on by excesive medication and cold days. sweatshirts and cold shadows of green. and then. then they don't want to know. because their obligation to me and my problems is too strong. they don't need that. they have their own lives to live. i'm sorry for not being all you wanted. i really am.
i wish you knew how much i needed you. then again, i know you know. i'm too busy lying to myself to think otherwise.
until tonight. tonight when i found out that the only person i could ever talk too feels the same way as everyone else.

i guess you just don't care anymore.

2003-11-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

jo makes me so fucking happy
music - creep by radiohead
superhoomus (8:58:46 PM): and i think it's about time someone told you that you are beautiful
superhoomus (8:58:52 PM): you are beautiful
...
superhoomus (9:02:50 PM): first of all you're not ugly, and second of all i'm not just talking about your looks!
superhoomus (9:03:16 PM): you are one of the nicest funniest people i have ever met
superhoomus (9:03:36 PM): you are the only person i feel i can ever really talk to.
superhoomus (9:04:52 PM): i'm not just being nice you know
superhoomus (9:05:01 PM): i'm being honest

i really love joseph. even my own boyfriend could never be that honest with me. i love you jo, thanks so much for everything. =D

2003-11-09T18:09:00.001-05:00

today does not even deserve a title
music - iris by the goo goo dolls
humph. so today i was going to see cobby because i love her dearly, but no. my mother has no sence of humour. i told her to refrain from going ape shit on me whenever i swear because she does constantly (if you qualify gol' dang! as such) and told her that i was at a very impressionable age, you know. and then she got all shocked and teary and said we never do anything as a family anymore. then i explained that we are four people, and that by very unfortunate circumstances are stuck together for a good long time, why make it any worse by going on long walks or visiting garden centers? then she lost it and i was grounded for a day. poo. ah well. cobby i love you very much even though i haven't been able to see you today.
anyway. i was awoken today around noon very rudely because i thought my house was on fire and i needed rescue some pants because i recently spent a ridiculous amount of money on them.
but they are ever so pretty!
...so last night i had gone to bed with all my clothes on after being out until around 3. i was wearing a sweatshirt and pants. and of course i over heated in the morning and tumbled out of bed attempting to think of where must i go when my house is burning down whilst i am on the top floor.

oh well. meh. i eventually figured out nothing was amiss.
later i walked to cvs with my younger clone. i bought a few things including lighters. and. erm. yeah. then we walked back and i stepped in shit. in a bag. it was the funniest thing i had ever seen. i started laughing. because it was SHIT...in a BAG. i almost died. =)

*sigh* sundays...

2003-11-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

charles! lmao!
music - it's been a while by staind
Lilacfaerie (8:15:37 PM): iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Lilacfaerie (8:15:56 PM): looks like a lot of people the same height with the same sized head standing together in a row hahahaha

2003-11-04T19:34:00.000-05:00

only read this if for some unknown reason you want to know excessive, stupid crap about me...
music - girls not grey by AFI
Basics
Name: heather m
Birthplace: somewhere in boston
Birthdate: february 1, 1989
Current City of Residence: waltham baby!
Family Members: mom, dad and my clone sara

Favorites
Color: black, red
Beverage: probably water
Movie: me without you, the ring
Musical: my fair lady
Board Game: the game of life
Computer Game: don't like them
Game to Roleplay: i'm down for whater ;) lol
Animal: any big cats
Sport: feild hockey! woo go defence!
Book: the perks of being a wallflower, surivivor and the louise rennison books

A Day In The Life..
School: is boreing, aggravating, etc.
Typical Mood: everything at once
Usually Found?: day dreaming, writing, talking
Collects: nothing. although i did collect shoe laces, pens, sea glass and shells

Have You Ever
Been kissed: many a time
Done drugs: you're a nosey fucker aren't you?
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: haha oh yeah
Eaten sushi: yeah. but it's not my favorite
Been on stage: mhmm...and i love it
Been in a car accident: 2 minor ones and many close ones

This or That
Cold or Hot: cold
Blue or Red: red
Rain or Snow: both
Wool or Cotton: cotton
Private or Public School: public
Chocolate or Plain Milk: chocolate
Celsius or Farenheit:: farenheit, damn metric system lol
Spring or Fall: fall
Science or History: history
Math or English: english

Love Life
Do you like somebody?: yes. i think so
Do they know?: yeah
Do you want them?: fuck yes
Are they hot?: in a certain light they are...lol

Random
Who do you e-mail the most?: amanda (!)
Who do you IM the most?: ...uh...my friends
Who are you talking to now?: lillian, tomas, nyssa, mariellen, ryah, maya and ali. oh and talia's on the phone
Are you currently in love?: not sure
Is this survey lame?: hahahaha. i don't know if i should answer that one

In 24 hours have you...
...Showered?: yeah. i think so. yeah
...Had a serious talk?: yeah
...Hugged someone?: lol of course
...Gotten along with your parents?: i'm being NICE to my MOM for ONCE and she won't give me money! jesus
...Fought with a friend?: yes. *cough*LUCAS ZANDER*wheeze*
...Done something kind for someone?: i'd like to think so

Do You Like To...
Give hugs?: fuck yes
Give back rubs?: yeah
Take walks in the rain?:: of course
Cook?: yeah but i dislike the oven lol
Eat?: yes!
Sleep?: depends

Who..?
..Knows you the best?: probably brian or talia or jo or charles
..Have you known the longest?: my mom?
..Do you know the most about?: probably talia or jo. maybe renee or charlotte
..Do you consider your friend?: everyone. save john, zach etc.
..Is most likely to end up in jail?: at the rate i'm going probably me hehe
..Can you go to with your problems?: brian, jo, talia or elise depending on the problem
..Do you want to get to know better?: i don't know. probably lillian because she is tres mysterious
..Do you spend the most time with?: cobby because she rocks

Have You...
..Been to a concert?: yeah
..Loved someone so much it made you cry?: hah, yeah
..Cheated on a test?: maybee...
..Ever stalked someone?: hahahaha. yeah. too piss them off though
..Done something you regret?: too many to count
..Been in an online relationship?: once, then i realized what's the point? no fucking around and no 'mentel connection' so pfff...

Random Questions
Single or Hooked?: i don't know. quazi both
What is your worst habit?: i'm insecure, paranoid and over all fucked up
Scariest moment?: when i had a dream i was dead and i woke up and was walking around my house thinking i was dead. it was actually more confusing then scary
Do you swear too much?: yep
How do you feel about homosexuality?: i HATE homophobic people. i really do. i say whatever toots your horn
Where are you right now?: the roof
Are you sitting by anyone?: no =(
What song are you listening to?: take my hand by dido
What is the last thing you said?: 'fuck off'
What's on your mousepad?: nothing. it's a lap top
What are the last four digits of your phone number?: 7967. *cough*fucking wierdos lol
What was the last thing you ate?: chicken
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: scarlet
How many buddies do you have on your list?: 198
What's the weather like right now?: cold and icky
What do you feel like doing?: watching a horror movie
What is your favorite quote?: "slice open my viens and let the romance bleed away"

Current...
Current clothing: jeans and a sweatshirt
Current mood: meh-y
Current taste: vanilla woo
Current hair: crappy bun
Current annoyance: people
Current smell: fall
Current thing you ought to be doing: bio report
Current jewelry: necklace, my ring that matches renees and some rubber bracelets from my friends
Current book: the bluest eye by toni morrison
Current refreshment: rasberry spritzer
Current worry: how disorganized my room is *grins phychotically* lol and whether or not i'm visiting conord academy next week
Current crush: i'm not telling you, you nosey bitch. hehe
Current favorite celebrity:
Current longing: to apologize to brian
Current music: now it's girls not grey by AFI
Current wish: too many to type
Current lyric in your head: "i'm a creep/i'm a wierdo/what the hell am i doing here/i don't belong here/whatever makes you happy/whatever you want/you're so fucking special/i wish i was special/"
Current makeup (if you're a girl!): eyeliner, mascara, vanilla lip stuff, red/pink nail polish
Current regret: saturday
Current desktop picture: blue swirly shit
Current plans for tonight/weekend: probably with the posse
Current cuss word du jour: shit
Current disappointment: my mom is in the near vicinity
Current amusement: how fluffy my hair is
Current IM/person you're talking to: i'm not on
Current love: yeah...stop asking dumb shit questions
Current obsession: music, pants, button up shirts, writing
Current avoidance: looking at myself
Current thing or things on your wall: words
Current favorite book: survivor
Current favorite movie: the eye. woo! thanks jo

2003-11-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

i love this song
music - eleanor rigby by the beatles
ah, look at all the lonely people/ah, look at all the lonely people/eleanor rigby/picks up the rice/at a church/where a wedding has been/lives in a dream/waits at the window/wearing a face that she keeps in a jar/by the door/who is it for/all the lonely people/where do they all come from/all the lonely people/where do they all belong/ah, look at the lonely people/ah, look at all the lonely people/father mckenzie/writing the words of a sermon/that no one/will hear/no one comes near/look at him working/darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there/what does he care/all the lonely people/where do they all come from/all the lonely people/where do they all belong/ah, look at all the lonely people/ah, look at all the lonely people/eleanor rigby/died in a church/and was buried/along with her name/nobody came/father mckenzie/wiping the death from his hands as he walks from the grave/no one was saved/all the lonely people/where do they all come from/all the lonely people/where do they all belong/

2003-11-03T21:22:00.000-05:00

yes! oh my god! yes!
music - bouncing off the walls again by sugar cult
that was not an orgasm. that was a massive JOYGASM because guess what!? i'll give you some room to guess, because i know that you never will...
(and no, it has nothing to do with poinsoned apples, giant ducks, or falling pianos)

my school is burning down! how AWESOME is that!? i, myself, find it insanely cool! aaah yes!! i'm so excited!! i can't wait until it's ALL gone! mwahaha! lol. it was an electrical fire in the field house! haha! and i know why! indeed i do!! because i was running around it today saying "burn, burn fucker, burn fucking down, burn, burn, burn..." under my breath just to
a) scare the cheerleaders
b) prove that i am insane
c) release my inner thoughts that i fucking HATE the place

isn't that insane? about 4 hours later the place was in flames.

oh man.
=) that's fucking awesome.

2003-11-03T17:56:00.000-05:00

over dose
music - solitary unraveling by mushroomhead
today was horrible. too say the least. good grief. honestly.

don't read this paragraph unless you were with me in the bathroom at about 4 in the morning on saturday night. not doing dirty things, of course. i realized how much i fucked up on saturday night. i'm so sorry. i wish i could take it all back. really, i do. i regret everything that happened and i realize YOU feeling this way is my fault, that the thing's that happen are my fault. i understand what you are trying to do is to make me happy and you don't need too because i know you worry about me and you shouldn't. i'll survive somehow. thank you for everything though, and i love you and miss you so much.

anyway. that really fucked me up. i go to school. it's raining and for ONCE art ISN'T cancelled. the day sucks automatically. it's monday. i'm tired, and of course, lillian doesn't have her shit to do the project with. i went insane. i had a two too many of that prozac shit. my mom has taken to hiding my medications and sleeping pills because she thinks i'll over dose. the prozac doesn't really help, i just feel really tired and mean. it's not like it fixes anything it's supposed too. i moped around and met james, who is very cool and i'm smitten with him. not in a sexual way, he's just really cool. i had bio and andy was sad and held onto my foot and i wrote him a letter. but it didn't help =(. which made me feel even crappier. then i had english. i love english, normally, but john mooney and zach croy...aah i swear to god i will kill them. i really hate them. and i'm forced to work with john in close quarters for the next 2 or 3 weeks because of this fucking project. someone is going to be missing an eye or two when i'm done. and maybe a testicle. because i hate them THAT MUCH! erlack.

lucas told me he liked my shirt. that made me happy.
everyone else...
shut your mouth, choke on your food

and die.

2003-10-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

my day was so boreing.
no woman no cry - bob marley
wow, see, this is my life. and how boreing it is.

i cut art and sat in the library
i went to wellness and sat on the bleachers until the shman forced me to play and then i just sat on the court
i had math. and sat there for a while. until i got up and left
then i sat on my ass during a couple of frees
i had bio and sat on the icky chairs and fell asleep because it was dark and cozy in there
i had spanish and i sat in my SNAZZY new chair in front of ryah and next to jill
i had english and discovered i have a project to do with john mooney (silence ray, i refuse to be a 'mooney twin') and fernando. the sad thing was that i had to move to sit with john and fernando. and then i saw zach peering at me and he's all 'helloooo!' and saying 'solid'. i nearly smacked him.

i had to stop sitting to go talk to JOHN and FERNANDO. honestly, what the fuck is up with that?

erlack. this calls for sudden death.

2003-10-29T20:32:00.000-05:00

i'm. a. house. of. doom.
music - cigarettes and chocolate by rufus wainwright
i'm writing. like. this to piss. you. off.
i could be at the a static lullaby concert right now!! but NO because my mom sucks.
aaaah that really makes me angry inside!!
anyway i thought today just might be fun. i looked over my shoulder and i saw a rainbow for the third time in my life. i thought 'wow! now i just might have some good luck!'. but that, of course, is when i crashed into a pole and then i started to cry, because that's deffinetly not good luck. that's terrorism.

2003-10-26T21:24:00.000-05:00

oooh! i've got a vagina! now i'm VERY cross!
music - knife party by the deftones
i look at girls today and it's very interesting. not in a sexual way, of course but just in how they are. the majority are giggling ditzes in their tight jeans and high shoes, boobs shown in every possible direction, hair done up "just right", straightened and restraighted trying to fix that one stray hair, thin and strawlike, the matching blonde of all the once redheads and brunettes shimmer with artificial shine. i notice how well their outfits match, how they cling onto the men in their lives who are probably the men in a million others lives and hearts, and they look into his eyes thinking everything will be bliss and perfect. they think they could never love another. then again, that's what they thought last time. they lean provacitivly over tables, twirling their hair and half closing their eyes and their lips reflect the light. their make up is so thick and cakey, splotchy almost, creating a false image of beauty that is never there. i look at them and snort with disgust, they are so thin they look breakable. they squeak highly whenever anything happens, their hair which always seems to stay brushed feathers around their faces.
then i look at myself and wonder

is that how i lost my innocence too?

my tight jeans and low shirts, my make up, me hooking up with guys whos last name is still just an echo barely heard over the shouts, music, and excessive bass from the night before. my giggles and perfume. my secrets and my bitchyness which i have come to dispise about myself.
i don't know why or how i changed.

or how i could be such a hyprocrite.

it's an image we are trying so hard to create and keep. we do it at ge 20, 50, and on. we want to be beautiful. we want to save face. i've been referred to as 'cute' 'hot' 'sexy' 'pretty'...but never beautiful. only once when an old man on the street walked passed me and said "keep your youth, for you are beautiful." i've been called 'ugly' or 'gross' 3 times and i remember each person, each facial expression, where i was, and i tried so hard to fix it. even if i hated them. but when people call me 'cute' etc, i don't believe them. i don't think they're sincere. and then i try to fix myself anyway. i really wish i didn't care anymore.

2003-10-26T18:23:00.000-05:00

korin just had a froydean slip! *teehee*
music - the shooting star that killed us by a static lullaby
suicide x trend (6:21:51 PM): But I like anal.

2003-10-25T22:38:00.000-04:00

emily is so snazzy
music - the beautiful people by marilyn manson
L scorcha (11:48:55 PM): haha i know you're a freak but you're one of those cool freaks
L scorcha (11:49:33 PM): like the ones that people look at in mental institutions and say "wow i wonder what she was like when she was sane..."

2003-10-19T11:21:00.000-04:00

you gotta fight *bamp* for your right...to partay! ow!
music - my december by linkin park (i know, crappy, but i'm tired and lonely)
last night was pretty fun, lucas had his 15th birthday party which was really nice. we started out at his house and watched "goldmember" and you know the scene when mini me charges scott to get his chocolate back? i was like "look it's heather!" haha i felt like a comic genious at that point and time. we played 'lazer (ick) tag' lol and i lost. really badly. but it was fun all the same, filled with mirrors and black lights and bad music. ewic, awex, rebecca, pam, cobby, korin, jodi (i think that was his name? =/), me, and of course, lucas. we all had really good code names lol. ewic was soildsnake (haha, i repremanded him on that one =p) awex was unnamed, rebecca was furiousangel, pam was latinababe, cobby was cobnacious, korin was darkermylove (or drmylove as was what was typed in lol) jodi was blackknight, lucas was spike and came in 3rd place twice! wooohooo go lucas! and i was..c'mon guess...i'll give you some room to guess.

BLONDEFURY haha yea kim! i came in 29th place and 21st. oops. anywho we almost got kicked out of 'lazer quest' for swearing at the munchkins. honestly, it's not our fault! they traveled in packs and i almost tripped over one because they are MIDGETS! at one point pam, awex and i conered one and kept shooting at it lol. it's name was HilaryDuff so it deserved it. haha then we ate cake and opened presents...lol my card was so sexy it's not even funny lol even lucas's dad liked it =D. i think lucas must have about $100 worth of newbury comics gift cards. then i got a glow stick and then everyone else did (teehee, i'm trendy!) and we frolicked and romped around outside until we had to leave.
but that was so much fun you guy "posse" forever lol =D

2003-10-15T20:23:00.000-04:00

love
music - hurt by nine inch nails
love. love is like dying. it can be good and bad. shocking and slow.
it's filled with regrets and joys, shards of thoughts from another time. dying is full of weak memories, watered down from ages of trying to remember, re-working and wondering what could have been done differently. thoughts worn and torn in places from being thought over and over
again.
adding things here and there, trying to erase the worst completely.
when you die all you feel is regrets and maybe some exultation for leaving. when you fall in love all you expect is regrets and the joy ride that comes in between. it comes swiftly and deaf to cries of ones wanting to say what they never said. or it comes slowly and you can do nothing but wait and hope for something to happen in between. procrastinating, trying to live a so called normal life, not wanting to do anything unusual which you should do. make up for all the time you've wasted. and you wish it would end faster. because you KNOW you are wasting time.
in some respects that is exactly like love. it won't wait for you to find your old romances...either catch it while it's here or miss it completely and then all you'll have it the hope to hitch a ride to make up for the one you miss. it doesn't listen or care.
but when you realize exactly what's happening it's too late. you've buried yourself 6 feet under.
and you just don't care anymore.

love is dying

2003-10-08T19:12:00.000-04:00

yeah, uh
music - timebomb generation by anti-flag
today kinda sucked. but fuck that because i was wearing the super cool underware cobby gave me.
werd.
mad ghetto.
haha. anywho, about my entry about the world dying and the like (october 2nd) i DID write that, i did not steal it from a song or a book. i know, it's just that good, right? lol justtt kidding.
the sad thing was is that it was inspired by grant. whom i hate. read it and you'll see why.
anywho...not much else to say but yeah

2003-10-06T21:16:00.000-04:00

ethan! omg yay!
music - anything fugees, marving gaye or mr bigg

so i go "yeah, i'm just a sex goddess right?"
and then fucking over acheiever ethan comes in and goes
partyllama (9:08:45 PM): more than that, sex machine, goddess, queen, dictator, ultimate ruler, and just overall best

LOL ethan is a dork but i love him to pieces anyway=) (just add messiah and i'll be happy lol)

2003-10-05T19:30:00.000-04:00

and here's a little diddy that goes somethin like this...
music - tomorrow by SC-71

sticks and stones may break my bones
but whips and chains excite me
so tie me up
and hold me down and show me that you like me ;)

hahaha rebecca and ethan and everyone else b.c.w.s. 2003!

2003-10-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

too lazy to write a title.
music - city of angels by the red hot chilli peppers
you can't turn away from the invitable. you can't deny it and you can't refuse it. open your body and soul and let it happen. suck up the shit and let it go by.
when the world ends it's gonna be silent. the once steady heart beat of the earth that seemed so big and strong will shiver with fear, sucking in dying breaths. the core will turn solid and the trees, knowing, always knowing, their fate will sigh their last breath. water will evaporate into nothing. the stars will turn their fiery backs and the sun will shut its eyes. the silence of thousands of screaming memories will break rock into splinters. the world will be solid and silent, sleeping in its own gravestone.
but until then i'm surronded by familiar faces. i think i recognize one. this one is different, or is it the same. they are all one being. hating, seething with rage. their eyes all become one set, the lips mold together to shape the hateful words dripping from their lips. i close my eyes. your words mean everything and they burn into my soul. and somehow you are
just
you.
didn't i hate you yesterday?
my heart beat reminds me that i'm alive and i remember my life. away from here. coming back like a dream, clear at first then dropping through my fingers like fine grains of sand. your voice melts away but the memories linger in the air. your anger humming gently into nothing.
i look up and remember what we wrote two weeks ago. hearts and initials. that's when the pen could seal the future. written and it was done. tomorrow my name will be forgotten but the marks will stay. set in stone, like everything was back when i was innocent.
to be blunt, when i was ignorant.
you've left me here in the gutter to die and
i'm still building your utopia.

2003-09-30T19:11:00.000-04:00

it taste's like orange
music - heart shaped box by nirvana
today was another flashback to reality. i realized how much everything sucks and how much i idealize everything around me, and the way people treat me. i was warm and eating some kind of cookie and sitting outside by myself because i could feel fall and i love how cold it gets. too hot for a jacket but you need a sweatshirt. and then i just sat there and cried by the pond that used to be the town dump. i cried for a long time. everything is coming to me like the feeling of the snow against your ears. that sting that cuts at the air. and then it melts, like the feeling of realization, like that over whelming feeling of calm which lets me know that i've accepted how much things suck. like that feeling after you cry and you know how many tear drops you've wasted and it's just fucking acceptance and i know i can't change anything and i get so frustrated with myself for not being able to do anything about it. currently i am the slut because i make conversation with the wrong people. i'm the depressed phycho because i cry and i can't stop. i'm the idoit because my boyfriend cheats on me and i'm fool enough not to notice. i'm the ass because i can't stand the people i used to like. and i've used up all my tear drops and the knot feeling from all the depairing hating sadness feelings in my stomach is gone and i'm so empty. my body throbs and aches from too many tylenol. i'm slow moving and groggy, my vision always blurred. i don't really throw them up anymore because i've taken so many. i really just want everything to end but my energy is so low. maybe i'm pessimistic and maybe i'm fucked up maybe it's all bullshit.
they can try,
and they'll try so hard.
but they can't kill me.
you see, i'm already dead.

2003-09-28T14:32:00.000-04:00

negative orgasms
music - 10 minutes by the get up kids
1 - cd boxes. i fucking hate them, the way they open, the way they break, the bulkiness of them, the ugliness of them, sharp cornered and oooooh, i do hate them. and the icky fact that the actually cd breaks thanks to the relish and power i put into getting the fucking box part off.
2 - disorganized things. ooo, angry. i can see it now. i know i may seem anal, but everything is so out of place and it needs CLEANING, everything must be SHINY and PRETTY as to keep my ADHD filled mind amused.
3 - my mother. oh. my. god. she is the ipidemy of noggin folk. (for all those OUTSIDERS of the noggin folk observers, a noggin folk is like the kind of man who wears pink shirts and speaks about with his noggin friends like "oh, don't you just LOVE this hue of salmon pink?!" and then go on to discuss lawn grooming techniques, and the women wear bulgy fanny packs and sweatshirts delightly exclaiming "someone in texas loves me!". they enjoy bird watching, hiking, camping, and DIY. they are often seen thinking they are enjoying the "outdoor experience" from inside a trailor. they also carry around excessive amounts of feild guides at all times. you probably know the type.) my mom wears really REALLY high hiking socks, purple wind breakers, ugly hats and doesn't understand my humor. her level of humor ends at puns. she nearly pissed herself when i was being stupid and said: "sometimes i dream i'm being carried away by a giant squirell. does that make me a nut?!". she also feeds me chinese medicine when i become ill, so i end up eating swamp roots. disgusting.
4 - outsiders who point out my oddities. they're are like "oh my god! personality!! like, what do i DO?!" *looks bewildered.* i think they're a boreing lot of people, and they think i'm insane. i think they need to get over it.
5 - noggin hiking trail names. yuck. they say things like "bird trail" and "bustling brook lane" and such. they're so sugared up. appearently "lovely stroll up a bloody big mountian trail" was LYING because i came down wind chilled and soaked and muddy.
6 - over cooked lettuce. smells wierd, tastes wierd, looks like a shat out diseased liver.
7 - people who wear their pants too high. talia knows what i'm ranting about. they are just...80's.

2003-09-28T10:59:00.000-04:00

"yeah, well, i wailed on my mother when i was a fetus." - max
music - tambourine man by bob dylan
hahaha camping was so much fun i LOVED it=). so talia and jo and i went in the same car and saw this super cool bowl cut/mullet children that we ever-so desperately wanted to play with but they were really scared of us. like so scared they were hiding behind the seats and their mom told us to leave the children alone. and then we saw this car that had this bumper sticker that said "Jesus Loves Me! (and YOU, too!)" and all this pro-america stuff and when we drove by ROBBIE (who is the coolest dad in the WORLD because jo has the coolest family; see paul can turn his feet the whole way around and paul is just cool and jo is awesome and jo's MOM named martha made paul and patrick pee on a neighbors fence when she was mad at them lol) holds up a little anarchy sign and jo screamed out the window "KERMIT [as in the frog] DOESN'T LIKE YOU!" and talibum flicked them off and i was just laughing...so i wasn't doing anything unusual, lol. so finally after many rest stops and laughing we got to boston market. and danced to the bad hotel lobby music and put our hair is bad 80's styles. ("heather we are in public!" "WHERE?!") and the guy at the counter was staring at my boobs and talking to jo's dad at the same time. i was really tempted to yell at him. or say "WHAT YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO GRAB THEM?!" but i didn't. because i'm a GOOD PERSON. *giggle* eventually we got to the campsite and we played around until MAX AND EMMA AND JODY GOT THERE! sooo much fun! we all hung out outside the log until RANGER RICK (i swear to god that's his name...i know...tragic, tragic.) and escorted us back to our campsites explaining "it's 10 o'clock! some families are trying to get to sleep!" and he was shmanly and so was his accomplice named sue. i swear they made up eachothers counter parts. lol ranger rick had to come over so many times to get us to shut up. =D the next day we went hiking up some 5600 foot tall mountain and made it to the SUMMIT! in high winds! lol it was like 90 miles an hour i fell over along with jody and emma and everyone fell over at least once. i was the last person to the top and i got a round of applause even though i was blowing snot in various directions because of the winds. and it was rainy (!!) and cold (!!). and i looked kind of like a male genitalia thanks to the green hat i was wearing that was rolled at the bottom oddly and my face was very pink. (thank you, max! lol) and then we back down to the little lodge thing. and we saw the MAN! i'm SERIOUS! he had a handle bar mustache, long hair and REALLY BIG EYEBROWS! it was INSANE! and he had icicles hanging from EVERYWHERE! haha =P and i had sleepy time tea and became cranky. and nobody likes that. lol and on the way down i realized i had to take a crap but i couldn't because you had to bury it 6 inches below ground. and that's confusing. lol. and i slid down a lot of them moutain and now my pants are holey. *excitement!* and then i mixed up SWAT team and called them SQUAT team. and so now talia, emma, jody, max, jo and i are proud members of the SQUAT team lol =) and max and jo got in the greatest fucking argument EVER. max was like "i'm the greatest wailer ever." jo - "well, i'm a better wailer then you times infinity." max - "well, guess what, i wailed on infinity." jo - "well, infinity isn't even a number, so you wail on stupid things." max - "well, i made infinity not a number i was like 'yo, mr. infinity, you're not a number, you're a concept. and i'm gonna wail on you.' and the end he's like 'woah, mr max wailer god supreme, i guess i'm gonna have to be a concept because you are the KING of wailing." jo - "well, i wailed on your mother." max - "well, i did too, coz i wailed on my mother when i was a fetus." jo - "well, i wailed on your dad when was i was in your mom as a fetus." max - "well, i wailed on the guitar while wailing on you AND your dad when i was a fetus." jo - "well, they were so easy to wail on, i do it for pleasure." max - "well, i wail on MYSELF for pleasure." hahaha and talia and i decided we are going to have a t-shirt that says "fetus" on the front and "go away. i'm unborn." on the back in pretty script letters like those sparkly shirts from claires that say "princess" or what not. and then we got back to camp and went out for some rockin' chinese food.
I LOVE YOU ACE GANG! GAYCORN'S FOREVER! =D
aaa i love weekends.

2003-09-25T19:25:00.000-04:00

hahaha
music - the best of me by the starting line
eee=) giggle. teehee. aaah today was good except i was in a relatively bitchy sleepy mood but i smelled fall mixed with alex and leaves and grass and sweatshirts and i felt better afterwards. i just love it outside right now: the wind the smells everything. the fact you can get a guy to lend you his sweatshirt when you are cold. i found out my lovely friend chris is transferring! (=O!) why? i lobe you chris don't go!! buttt i have trapped a sex god in my net of feminine charms! ooo wee hee =D lol i'm so excited time for me to go for a walk...i love you awex=)

2003-09-24T20:27:00.000-04:00

fuckity fuck fuck
music - the leaving song by a.f.i.
i concur with lillian. eveything is fucked up. i feel like i'm living in this dream, and i want to wake up but i can't. i'm too tired. everything is a blur and i don't really feel anything. emotions and people pass me by so fast and leaving me with this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. i'm alone. i'm just a skin and bones wandering around looking for and going to classes. making comments here and there, laughter dribbling in my ears and out of my mouth, though why i'm laughing or they are i just don't know.

i am nothing.

people say things to me but i can't understand it. my head hurts and my eyes burn. i can't feel anything any more. there's nothing left but a shell. words don't effect me as they did, they slide off unnoticed, strained into a jar of thoughts and memories i will never look into. all i know is i cry in my sleep. i can't cry at any other times. i can't bring myself to do it. i wake up with my eyes sticky and red; the make up i was too tired to take off gluing my eyes together.

sometimes i think i can come out of my dream state and words effect me as opposed to sliding off unnoticed as they usually do. then all i want is attention. from guys. from girls. from everyone. i want to be the chick the guys want to hook up with but respect. i want to be the chick girls can go to and talk to and laugh with. it's then when words can kill me or make me.

then i remember i'm just thought as of the attention craving slut. guys don't respect me and they know i'll hook up with them to feel better about myself. to feel something in general. girls don't like me because their men perfer me because i do what they want and because i'm too wierd and 'out there'. as soon as i know that i will fall back into dream land. i never remember exactly what was said to me or what i said to other people. in thoughts that do stay there is only good and bad. no in between. no gray telling me that there are good in the seemingly teasing things they tell me. and there is bad in the so-called good, lying things that are so commen these days.

i just want to curl up and lose communication. sleep. let people forget about me and when i come back i can start over again. maybe then my dream land will dissolve into nothing. maybe then i can see things like a normal person does and i will stop hurting. but i can't.

too late for that.

2003-09-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

. . .
music - the scientist by coldplay
i would like to start off by saying i had everything to do with it. you may think that i lie really well, but i know you can tell that i'm holding it in. nevermind the time, or place, or the spinning thoughts inside my head. i can tell my life was about to change when i met you. and if i could ever stop thinking of you, i would probably choke on all the words i never said. i would bury my heart and fall back into some others arms. i could never tell you this because i'm scared of falling apart. it may seem like i can hold this together but its you that's making this hard.

2003-09-22T18:38:00.000-04:00

toot toot!
music - boys and girls by good charlotte (ewy, why god, WHY?!)
so on saturday shaskin, silent lelik and i all went to the taste of boston. fun shit, man. freebies rock my socks. off. and on. and under. i got this pretty heart thing and it lights up when you press a button. yay for PUSSY LOCATORS lol. i've never seen anything so magical in my life (!!!!) fuck you, i know i need to get out more. =) and we played volleyball and i swear to god all cops hate my nuts. seriously! one time, my dog was peeing on some persons stupid little lawn thing, and this cop rolls up beside me in his supid little cop car and says "excuse me, but you're dog is not allowed to urinate on others lawns." i was like wow, you are a stupid pisswhacker. espicially since he stupidly sat around watching my dog pee. i think he liked it. anyway, i hit a (freebie) (!!) beachball over her little fence which she thought was EVER so hardcore and she wouldn't give back. i was like wow, you piece of yeast, give me back my beachball. but i figured that would be innapropriate, as she already was yelling at me. but i couldn't hear her over the ROCKIN' JESSICA SIMPSON, MAN (hahaha, what a shitty singer, she goes to taste of boston lol, she must be desprete to do something). they had a contest to see who could go back stage to meet jessica simpson, so this sailor guy and some old hoochie in a red dress with fake titties went at it for a bit (erlack) until i was too sick to watch it anymore. so we went to get food and of course GENIOUS heather is wearing a white shirt.
around sashkin.
wow. clever heather. *pats head*

so of course i get soaked but the IMPENETRABLE BUILT IN BRA *insert super hero theme song here* comes to my rescue. and nothing was shown.
poor, poor, sashkin and silent lilek. =( then we finally located momkin and popkin and went home and watched MALIBUS MOST WANTED! WIGGERS ROCK ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE! woohoo jkjk. and then we all went to cobby's and "chilled like a george washington on a bill" because we are "mad rappers, yo. i'm da shiznit!" and the like.

and today i had field hockey. which i didn't do because i didn't have my stuff so we all hung out and...lets just say...i can't feel my ass. lol thanks to YOU andy, sashkin and lucas. =D haha, and then lucas of course says "hey, that shirt made you get pretty!" i was like thanks, wtf is that supposed to mean, anyway!? damnit, am i pretty without the sexy clothes?!

...hello? lol =P

2003-09-20T23:55:00.000-04:00

katie rocks. my socks. in a sexual way. =P
Babydolcav1 (11:55:30 PM): heather ur my sex goddess

2003-09-20T23:24:00.000-04:00

wow. i had something good to say, but i forgot.
music - white flag by dido
if i wasn't so pooped, emotionally tired, and maybe a little bit more drunk then i would remember. but of course not.

*insert brillant thought i was about to have here*

it's in my head! i PROMISE!
i just need to get my head and fingers working simultamultaniouiouiousesly.
*drunken snore*
or, if i can manage it, at all.

2003-09-20T23:21:00.000-04:00

aaaah
music - boys of summer by the ataris
aaah so this bloody fucking SEX god meanders into my house after a wonderous day with cobbsters and corin. and i'm sitting around, innocently minding my buisness whilst writing about who-knows-what and in pops this kid i havent seen in about 20 years and says 'hi!'.
to be honest, i'm not sure how long i sat there with my mouth open. the drool landing on my hand snapped me out of it and i said 'and you are...?'. turns out william was the kid who's house brian and i stayed in this summer. lol. and his fucking asshole brother (james) was there too. but me and 'call-me-will' the gorgey one and i had a deep and (quazi) PHILOSOPHICAL conversation. and then we got bored.
and i had to kick the shit out of james.
with a pillow because i'm a wussy =) and then will's foot met my boob.
and it didn't leave. but I'M OK WITH THAT! hahaha =D

2003-09-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

inhale, heather
music - here's to the night by eve 6
ok. i'm not so mad anymore. yep. *throws chair*threatens to burn down school*screams*. erlack *regains composure*. anyway special thanks to my lover COBBY for being a wonderful and brillant person to vent to today. lovely. you are yummy scroomboles, cobby. and LUCAS because he is sexy and frolicksome and he has nice eyebrows. and geoff for volunteering to kick some of croy's very feminine ass, and alex for being a sex god. oh, and the comferting was nice, too, lol. and maria for being maria. because maria is just fabulous. and corin for romping in the rain with me. OO and slyvia for being my walking caffenine department. and slyvia w. for selling me that lollypop. and cobby for giving me one. yep. back to cobby.
EVERYONE ELSE I LOVE YOU TOO (in a despising, fuck-you-don't-touch-me kinda way)

2003-09-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

fuck you
music - people = shit by slipknot
oh my god. i hate people. so much. people suck. no one really means anything they say, and when they do mean it, it's so harsh and cruel and utterly unnessacary. i mean, no one really cares. and the only reason they say they do is because they think they understand and they don't. they're all ignorant. no, i'm far from saying i'm perfect, but if i hear one more fucking person asking me "what's wrong?" and then go behind my back (or in front of my face) and say "oh my god! she's such a slut!" because i hook up with guys. jesus christ, it's not like i WANTED to hook up with them all. and it's not like all of them take 'no' for an answer, either.
fuck you, i thought you were my friend. here's something for you.
i fucking hate it when you say 'no offence' to me. how about this? no offence, but i don't like your face, you stupid piece of shit.
B is for your brain, if you only had one
I is for i hope you get a fucking yeast infection
T is for your ugly tits. we all know you stuff your bra
C is for your cock which i'm going to shove up your ass
H is for hell, were you will go when you die.
fuck you.

2003-09-19T17:41:00.000-04:00

meh
music - wow. nothing.
either my brain has fallen out or someone...or someTHING has eaten it.
there is no other explination.

2003-09-19T17:40:00.000-04:00

confused
music - minority by green day
i don't understand boys today.
not the little ones with rolled up socks for breasts.
or the big ones with rolled up socks for brains.

sog
snivvle
muhg
feh

*sound of brain running out of ears*

2003-09-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

poetry. amazing.

May 25, 2003
From The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Saturday, February 08, 2003
My Minds Cliff
The words I say just fade away
like useless breaths of air
Nothing above nor below
unless I truly beleive it's there
This branch I see,
It's not meant for me,
It waits for a person I can never be,
Tears of blood spill from my eye,
The only truth I know
Is that the world is one big lie
I am like the last flame in a dying candle,
all of the world's expectations,
Just validate the truth that I can't handle,
It's so hard yet so simple to end this life,
It takes a whole lot of courage,
and one kitchen knife.

2003-09-19T17:34:00.000-04:00

now time for my actual posts.
really! thongs are just underware gone retarted! ~renee

Friday, February 14, 2003
fly, little text messges! fly!
OMG i was thinking about julie today IMing me from her cell...and i got a really wierd idea. i've seen her using it before and i WATCH as she pressed the 'send' button on her phone, and there was the little logo, the envelope with little flapping wings, and away went her text message, into the air, magically knowing just where it was going, like a tiny 2d carrier pigeon.

sometimes i think about how text messages find the right phone. i mean, how do THEY know after all? what is this? supieror intelligence?
(the even more fantastic thing about my logical leap is that i believe that voices don't have a problem finding the right phone, but somehow text messages do. obviously, my brain needs some more help.)

suddenly, you can imagine the air full of them, tiny buzzing envelopes, whizzing past your ear, on an important errand, trying to find the right phone.

imagine if you could see them all, and imagine further if you could see the words, floating past you;
'i miss you',
'i love you',
'phone me',
'y r u ignoring me?'
(and other mis-spelled annoyances. i do hate those. i'm ignoring you because you don't seem to 'b' able '2' spell 'are', even though you're a university-educated executive. stupid head.)
'i want you'
'you busy?'
'where are you?'
'i'm wearing your pants'

imagine if you could see the words, all those conversations floating, zipping past your head, around buildings, over bridges, tiny little things, size of a fly, but an envelope instead. with wings.

try it when you're walking down the street...
if you try hard enough, you can see them everywhere.

jesus sorry about that wasted time.

Friday, February 14, 2003
ugh. valentines day crash
i'm so pathetic. i stole an envelope and drew a big heart on it, and put it by my bed. i am not fooled. but i think my cat might be. i think she is jealous.
either that or she has some other reason for trying to sleep on my face.

and why has google gone all valentiney? *sulk*.

i really want a tee-shirt that says "what would scooby doo?"
shut up, you.

Sunday, January 12, 2003
on the forth day she fell over again because it really really hurted.
uhg. i hate dentists. i've always hated dentists, ever since that severe woman with long black hair that insisted on giving me all the details of her complicated and rather messy divorce (with stresses and puctuation) while drilling holes in my teeth. i was 7.
i kept crying.
she called me names.
ever since then i've been a complete wuss when it comes to teeth, which is a shame, as i inherited my mother's weak enamel (she didn't want it anymore), and dentists and i have been regular playmates ever since.
my next check up *shudder* is soon.

yeah. unfortunetly, those are all of my strokes of genious. lol

2003-09-19T17:27:00.000-04:00

wonderous conversations with my all time FAVORITE people

Thursday, May 01, 2003
i love this woman. i really, really do.
Talihousecooky (8:12:48 PM): you will never guess what my grandfather just asked me over the phone
heatheramble (8:13:39 PM): mmm
Talihousecooky (8:13:41 PM): he asked me if i was married yet
heatheramble (8:13:49 PM): HAHAHAH
heatheramble (8:13:50 PM): HAHAH
Talihousecooky (8:13:56 PM): i told him yes just to confuse him a bit and he got so exited
heatheramble (8:14:05 PM): LOL
heatheramble (8:14:05 PM): HAHA
heatheramble (8:14:08 PM): I LOVE YOU
Talihousecooky (8:14:14 PM): nearly pissed himself the poor senilelittle bundle of joy

Tuesday, April 22, 2003
BRIAN! YAY! I WANT TO HAVE HIS CHILDREN! whee!
bluecrackle64 (10:58:11 PM): so, if ya need me call me, if u cant call, signal me in moarse code... if that fails, speak in the tongue of the humpback whale
bluecrackle64 (10:58:21 PM): or the elephant
bluecrackle64 (10:58:33 PM): or that screaming monkey
bluecrackle64 (10:58:45 PM): my personal favorite

Tuesday, March 04, 2003
charlotte is so beautiful
Lilacfaerie (8:23:55 PM): ok my nose needs extra special help and its own therapist

Lilacfaerie (8:26:16 PM): i lyk that word neehee -insert blank stare HERE- i remember the days when i lived on a coconut island and once day i shook a tree..thats all i remember

Lilacfaerie (8:33:44 PM): HAHAHA I AM HAVING A WONDERFULLY DELICIOUS CONVO WITH A OLD MAN IN A DOMINO GAME
Lilacfaerie (8:33:45 PM): HAHAHA
heatheramble (8:34:02 PM): LOL WTF
heatheramble (8:34:03 PM): lol
Lilacfaerie (8:35:34 PM): HAHAHA THIS IS VERY EXCITING

Saturday, March 01, 2003
elise makes me smile inside:)
helloelise (9:17:40 PM): *hug*
helloelise (9:17:42 PM): there!
helloelise (9:18:46 PM): heatherr
helloelise (9:18:51 PM): you are cool
helloelise (9:18:56 PM): youve got wonderful hair
helloelise (9:19:09 PM): an awesome personality that could get anyone off drugs in a second
helloelise (9:19:11 PM): lol
helloelise (9:19:16 PM): a wonderful smile
helloelise (9:19:20 PM): and you just like
helloelise (9:19:23 PM): light up a room
helloelise (9:19:24 PM): honestly
helloelise (9:19:40 PM): the person who hires you when you are working age will save a lot on electric bills
helloelise (9:19:46 PM): you are pretty, smart, funny
helloelise (9:19:49 PM): kind
helloelise (9:23:08 PM): honestly
helloelise (9:23:25 PM): you made like a bandit in the gene pool
helloelise (9:23:35 PM): any guy would be lucky to have you

Wednesday, January 22, 2003
wootwoot! lol
DingoDawg (7:16:28 PM): can you change your name to amazing or something like that so i could say, "im fuckin amazing"

haha. i vin!
heatheramble [7:12 PM]: hola?
heatheramble [7:12 PM]: CALLING ALL CHARLOTTES TO THE MOTHER SHIT
heatheramble [7:12 PM]: *meeeep*
heatheramble [7:12 PM]: *meeeep*
heatheramble [7:13 PM]: *insert voice here*
heatheramble [7:14 PM]: THERE HAS BEEN AN EMERGANCY SEARCH FOR CHARLOTTE DISPATCH
heatheramble [7:14 PM]: IMMEDIATLY, LEAVE YOUR BASE AND FIND HER
heatheramble [7:14 PM]: LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED
heatheramble [7:15 PM]: U NEVER KNO WHERE SHE MIGHT B HIDING
heatheramble [7:15 PM]: and if you HAPPEN TO SEE A DANCING, CROSS EYED SHORT ONE
heatheramble [7:15 PM]: ATTACK!
heatheramble [7:15 PM]: ITS HER ATTEMPING TO BLEND INTO THE BACKROUND
heatheramble [7:15 PM]: OF OTHER DANCING CROSS-EYED MIDGETS

*dundundun*

Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: HAHAHAHAHA
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: AHHHHH
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: DYING
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: GASP
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: LOL
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: LMAO
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: OTFL
Lilacfaerie [7:16 PM]: HAHAHAHAHA

Thursday, January 23, 2003
ewise! yay!
heatheramble (7:02:09 PM): if ur not off to lephrochaun land, were they wear green plaid and steal things, then were the fuck are you going?
heatheramble (7:02:14 PM): hehe, heather has a potty mouth!
helloelise (7:02:21 PM): ewwie!
helloelise (7:02:35 PM): i just visualized a head with a flushy thingy on the side instead of an ear

LATER...

heatheramble (7:15:34 PM): increddinly smrt
helloelise (7:15:41 PM): haha, increddinly smrt
helloelise (7:15:49 PM): thats like, an oxymoron in itself

Saturday, December 28, 2002
avia rocks the socks of THE donkey
smilemon (8:44:47 PM): i thought u were a snotty slut before i got to know you. i was totallyt wrong. ur really cool
smilemon (8:44:56 PM): don't take offense to that
smilemon (8:45:09 PM): ur really awesome

2003-09-19T17:11:00.000-04:00

welcome...do come in
music - my own summer by the deftones
HEY well i was getting VERY extremely angry at my old bloggy so i'm making a new one. and because some of my past entries were too fabulous for WORDS (not ALL, thank you very much but SOME) so i've taken the liberty to post them here along with my new entries. enjoy.